"Eye On The Ball, Ryan"

Nike's "Brisco High" commercials are pretty much a young football player's wet dream. The young man, "Ryan", lives the ideal life. Neon Deon Sanders is his dad, the kid's got a smokin' hot step-mom, he's the apple of Jillian Barberie's eye, and Lee Corso is the school mascot. And depsite the fact that his teammates are mostly NFL Pro Bowlers like LaDanian Tomlinson, Brian Urlacher, and Michael Vick, it comes down to this one boy to win a high school football game in the closing seconds. Pretty stupid if you actually thin about it. But it's a catchy commercial and "Spirit In The Sky" adds a surreal touch to it.

But there's one thing that kind of sticks out to me: what role does Steve Young play? He's not one of the coaches like Don Shula (Shula?!? Does anyone under 18 even know who he is?), or seen in the classroom like teaching like Jimmy Johnson. But it's clear that there's a connection between Young and this "Ryan." He's more than just a fan. What other roles are left? Then I figured it out: Steve Young is the dirty booster that brought Ryan to Briscoe High. Yeah, he promised the kid bribes to be on this football team. It's the only role left not fulfilled by the other celebrities.

I imagine that Steve's the one that scouted young Ryan and fawned over the lad, tossing money and other bribes to get Ryan to come to Briscoe. He's sitting in the kitchen with Deon and Jill Arrington, pushing a Property of Briscoe High duffel bag full of cash across the table. And now that Young has gone to such lengths to secure Ryan's WR skills, he wants results. And dammit, Ryan better deliver with a game-winning touchdown that means eternal glory for Steve Young's alma mata, Briscoe High School. It's a good thing he did or the crafy lefty would have foreclosed on Neon Deon's house and had his goons rough him up a bit, too.

No one else sees that scenario? Just me?

"I want a Quicktime of my minty-fresh entrance on my webpage by tomorrow!"

Bengals Fan Directs Captain Kirk and Caped Crusaders

While Steeler fans are busy Rochambeauing each other for the camcorder, Bengal fans are making more artistic endeavors. Take filmmaker Christopher Allen, for example. He just made a movie that combines two classic TV hits from the 60s as we see Star Trek vs. Batman. Looking at Allen's bio, it doesn't look like he's spent any time living in the Queen City, but in the Behind the Scenes photos he's sporting Begnals gear as well as a Reds cap. You gotta love a guy wearing the orange and black while he's bossing around Batman and telling Spock what's the logical thing to be doing. Live Long and Who Dey, Christopher.

Sock Drawer's NFL Predictions

You probably remember my 2005 NFL predictions weren't so great. Let's make some equally bad ones for 2006.

NFC North
The Chicago Bears, according to their record, were the second-best team in the NFC last year. But anytime they played any quality team, they were beaten. HARD. Complete and total domination. If they were a fraction of the ball club their rep was, the Bears would have been dangerous. I'm pretty much seeing the same thing this year as they will probably get the #2 seed in the playoffs, complete with a bye week to prepare for their divisional round butt-whooping.
NFC South
Carolina Panthers
This is probably the second best team in the conference but I think their tough schedule will prevent them from nabbing the all-important bye week. Knowing how injuries accumulate on this team, that will keep them from getting far in the post-season.
NFC East
Philadelphia Eagles
I have considered every single team in this division as the Beast of the East at some point this summer. But there's no way I'm expecting the Giants to survive their brutal schedule, the Cowboys to survive T.O., and the Redskins to survive their awful offense. With McNabb healthy, they just might be able to make it to the post-season. And then get bounced.
NFC West
Seattle Seahawks
Other than weird trends like the post-Super Bowl slump or the Madden Curse, there's nothing to make me think the Goat's boys will not repeat as NFC Champs.
Wild Cards
Tampa Bay Bucs
Minnesota Vikings
This might be another year with an 8-8 team makes it to the post-season because I'm just not that impressed with most of the guys on this side of the league. The Vikings almost made it last year, ditched a number of questionable folks (including their coach) so they might have enough to scrap out enough wins to nab the final playoff slot. I keep hearing great things about the Bucs, and particularly Chris Simms, so I see them getting a good number of wins. And, oh year, they won the division last year and are pretty good.

Here's the Reader's Digest version:
NFC North
Chicago Bears
NFC South
Carolina Panthers
NFC East
Philadelphia Eagles
NFC West
Seattle Seahawks
Wild Cards
Tampa Bay Bucs
Minnesota Vikings

I'll try to get on the ball and get the AFC picks in before tomorrow night's NFL Kickoff between AFC potential powerhouses Miami and Pittsburgh.